I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
You Might Also Like
But I really needed water water water
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?