MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
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He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
#Caturday
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.