ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
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Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’