What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
You Might Also Like
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Mouse