what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
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*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Happy weekend !
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Guys, I found it.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.