Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
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Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
“our sushi is very fresh”
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
men are simple creatures
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
the council will decide your fate
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.