Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
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“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.