why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
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Cardio Made Easy
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
White Castle for the Win
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.