Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
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“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
R.I.P.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit