Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
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If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
San Francisco has too many rules
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.