My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
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My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Can’t, holding a grudge
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next