“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
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No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
no their not
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.