The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
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My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.