every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
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Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”