genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
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To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
this is how life feels
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry