INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
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My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
why I oughta
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners