I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
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this is the news I live for
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.