Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
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“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.