If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
You Might Also Like
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.