I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
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United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.