When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
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Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.