ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
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Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.