Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
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Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape