Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
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Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
guilty
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.