I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
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I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Barbie gone wild
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I only treason on days ending in y
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled