they should invent a rest for the wicked
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Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.