If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
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I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers