I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
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Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.