Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
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Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?