villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
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Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
men, we mow at sunrise.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Air conditioning – not a fan
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too