migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
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Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Home #decor warning.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK