[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
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can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Geez man, take it easy.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen