Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
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SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”