I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
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The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Get in loser we’re going crying
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are