Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
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Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Well, this explains it:
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.