First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
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I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Before crowbars crows drank alone
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy