TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
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Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.