*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
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Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.