artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
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Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.