Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
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it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
What personal space?
My dog
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.