If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
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I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits