You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
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TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.