“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
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Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
My wedding will be open casket.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.