To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
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[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
For cardio I live beyond my means.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Whoa 😂
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”