My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
You Might Also Like
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.