I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
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[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I would like even faster food.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.