TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
You Might Also Like
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man