[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
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Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<