Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
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She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.