Ok, but like, how married are you?
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Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea